a little deep, but I was recently in the hospital due to suicidal actions. I do not know how to love myself, yet I am SO full of love. I want to give love to everyone around me. I want them to feel worth it, like they ARE supposed to be here. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do about myself. I am constantly living with the thought I do not belong on this planet. That I am ugly and nobody can ever love me. But why? Shouldn’t I be able to love myself? Love every particle and cell in my body? I’m here. I’m breathing. I get to experience life, for the short amount of time we are here. I get to see mountains, smell fresh air, witness thunder storms, experience love and joy. I get to laugh with my friends and see my family smile. I get to live on a planet where there are ANIMALS! DOGS! There are so many positives about this life, but somehow the negatives over power those.

But this is the time where I start to realize I belong here. I have a beautiful soul, that will go to no end for someone. I’m working on myself. I want people to see me as a joyful being, full of love and butterflies. I want my soul to feel lighter. I want to see myself as beautiful and I want others to see that to..


today is my best friends birthday. she passed away on April 16th 2013. its almost been 3 years without her.. and these years have felt like the longest years of my life. every single day I miss her. I dream about her constantly, most of these dreams being very wonderful and uplifting, but others are not so pleasant..

this girl was the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out. her soul was so rare and fulfilling, a part of me will always feel empty without her. I trusted her with all of my secrets and we shared so many laughs, that it’s really hard to find that kind of connection again..

I believe that she’s with me every day, keeping me safe and helping me get through life. there has been times where I’ve felt her presence and known that she was with me in certain moments..

I just wanted to wish my baby girl a happy 22nd birthday up in heaven. I will definitely be having a few glasses of wine for her.



I’m very new to this whole blog thing.. I can’t guarantee anyone will be reading my stuff, but I’m gonna use this blog to find myself, and remember all of the amazing things that are about to happen in my life. So if you’re into that, feel free to immerse in my life.

I’ll probably post things about my day, things I’ve learned/realized (this is the year to realize things;)), just me evolving into the person I want to be.

I’m trying to get in shape, so there will probably be food posts, before and after pictures, and how I am feeling in regards to my work outs.

It will just be nice to see how my year goes, and looking back on it in the future. So feel free to follow my life, as it’s not TOO interesting.

much love,